Posted 12:22 AM by the violent one
so... now that I've decided to go ahead with "Birdbath" for the command performance, I'm diving back into Velma.

The funny thing is that it was really really *nice* to put her aside for a while. I really felt like I had plateaud a bit with her! I kept doing the same thing over and over. I just wasn't 'getting' the idea of being at a different place than what i thought she was.... okay, that's a vague statement. I mean that bringing in the weight and brevity of having killed my mother just wasn't there.

After doing something as different as "Two rooms" even for a week gave me a bit of a break so I could come back to it afresh. It's kind of like what emily said the other day when she came to speak: she does as much research as she can.. and then throws it away to see what 'sticks.' Well, I don't think I had thrown out a lot of my initial perception of Velma, so I got stuck. Now, that I was able truly 'throw it out' I feel like I am layering my characters... I feel like i got the physicality down for Velma and now I can layer on the 'burden.'

as a quick sidenote (to serve my schizo brain) i think velma two weeks ago was coming out a lot more 'happy go lucky' because that's the only way i felt i could 'justify' the physicality or that's what type of body language I associated with 'fidgety' and 'nervous.'

also, i was sick of velma too, two weeks ago... just hated her; i wanted to move on. now two weeks later, i see SO MUCH i can learn from her! and I'm pretty psyched to be working on it a few more times this week!

Posted 1:32 AM by the violent one
So, my first scene study assignemnt is "Birdbath" by leanord Melfi.

Velma has been quite interesting...
why would she kill her mother, I thought to myself? Her mother is someone who she is extremely dependent on... but then I realized that it wasn't really the dependency, but it was actually the feeling... the desperate feeling of abandonment. her father abandoned her family, then her brother essentially abandonded her when he got married which left her and her mother alone together. she'd rather kill her mother rather than be abandoned.

Her shaking isn't anything new and not because she's killed her mother... she's always shook her entire life... unreleased tension perhaps? or stress from the mental abuse from her mother?

so, what's up with her and Frankie? it's her first time meeting him that night. does she need to confess to someone? does she unknowingly yearn for a male figure in her life? i think maybe yes to both questions. Having her first taste of freedom... her mother 'use' to tell her things. maybe over the course of the one act, the usage of present tense to past tense is showing her realization of what she's done.

Posted 8:15 PM by the violent one
This article, the Asian equationwas good; it actually interviewed a wide range of people and pointed out some solid facts... well, to put it simply, my path ahead of me looks really really tough.

Bring it ON!

Posted 9:17 PM by the violent one
yeah, so really quick note.
as an actor, i found myself just finding the character....

i'm, at present, playing one of three salt maidens amongst a cast of about 8 in a retelling of "Oedipus." You know what? People more or less write dead people as pretty depressing. The last show I was in, I was a ghost with a mask. Now, I'm a Greek choral member who is a ghost... doh.

It's been depressing, but at the same time, it IS the character. I really found the root and foundational point of the character. It has to do with... a lot of morbidity... lots of images. Just to give you an idea, I'm talking about where I was, what I felt, heard, touched, saw, tasted on September 11th, 2001; I'm talking about what I felt when I was walking in the museum in Hiroshima commemorating the Atomic bomb that carves images into ones mind. I'm talking about those times when I've been devasted by loss on so many levels... relationships, death, etc.

In tonight's rehearsal there were a few moments where I stood very very close to those moments all rolled into one. And even though it's part of the rehearsal process and we keep stopping the scene and repeating it again, I was able to go back to that 'spot' within myself and to re-live it all over again without repetitiveness.

So, this is why I do what I do and have chosen this path. I went to Boston's first ever theatre conference and the keynote speaker was Ann Bogart. Of the many things that she touched upon, the one thing that comes to mind right now is the word 'attention.' She is very into etymology much like Gleason Sensei (my aikido teacher) is into Japanese etymology. Anyways, she suggested that being seen or watched, or attention, is an act of healing. that made me think.

When I bring myself out of rehearsals like tonight, it helps me see life in a bigger picture...

Posted 1:11 PM by the violent one
Ok, I'll start from last night:

Thank you to EVERYONE (and those who were there in spirit) who came out last night to see "Irish Blood."
The audience reaction was GREAT. They winced when my character got hit and cheered/laughed at the brutality (I still can't give too much away.. I'm planning on a 'special' screening for those who missed it!). It was great! I also saw my friend, Bernice in her's and that was great too. All in all, out of the 10 in-competition ones, ours was one of the best. There werwe about 4 other solid ones, but we rocked. ROCKED! I was definitely fortunate enough to have great team members and great resources (ie the dojo). You know what? I kinda started questioning whether or not I had, in any way, 'misrepresented' Asians in any way. On an ethnic basis, I think our cast was the most diverse (we had latino, white, and asian). Off the top of my head, there was one short that featured a black dude and another had Bernice in it (and she's Asian if you hadn't guessed by now). Now, I'm still trying to work this all out, but I think I did the whole Asians in martial arts thingy. Well, duh, I do Aikido and I love it, so no one can say much about that. It's a part of me. Of course, what I did had more flare to it, so it'd be entertaining ;)
Perhaps the cool thing that I *did* do was that NOT be the passive Asian girl... After all, I did end up kicking ass.
And I guess the whole making fun of names thing could have offended the masses. But the way that it was executed came off sooo funny.

I dunno. But those were some of my afterthoughts...

So, that's been the highlight of my week so far. I have the day off tomorrow and will be doing a little bit of rehearsing for "RAW" and then going to that call-back for the industrial film (keep fingers and toes crossed!). Then, I'm off to NYC for the weekend to paaartay!

So, after this weekend, things will be calming down significantly. I only need to 'worry' about "RAW" whose performance is next Thursday (that I *still* need to get the lines down :P).

Yet again, I feel like this lull is only going to be the calm before the storm on the horizon. At least I can see it coming. Lately I've been wavering a little about my Great Escape. With the company restructuring, I've actually been having human interaction for once and help with my epxeriments which have gotten me less stressed. On the other hand, there's always the dark little cloud over my head that says 'I could be doing something different and productive with my time right now' which ultimately wins me over. I've also been wavering because of, of course, financial reasons. But that is getting resolved as well: the more I look for potential jobs, the more I'm getting confidence that I *will* find something to keep me going.

So, the Great Escape continues. I'm still aiming for May. Although here's a funny twist: I work with 3 people: 1 is my boss, 1 is my supervisor, and 1 is just a co-worker. It turns out that according to my timeline, I'd be delcaring my two weeks when my boss is gone and then (theoretically) leaving when my co-worker is out for two weeks. I was starting to feel bad about this... but then I thought: it's my life; I may briefly inconvenience someone for about a week.

Yeah.

It IS my life.

I'm so happy I get to go to Aikido tonight, I have the day off tomorrow and then the weekend after that is Pat's day weekend.

Smiles :)))))

Posted 1:26 PM by the violent one
My blogging fanaticism has seemed to have subsided a little bit.

Anyway, I had an audition today. An audition that, if I got it, would be my spring board into my Great Escape.
Henceforth, quitting my job shall be referred to as 'The Great Escape.'

I did my usual, scurry downstairs, apply make-up, go audition, come back, remove make-up, and go back to work shindig. The audition went well. I got a comment of 'that was a good reading... when is your availability in June?' Of course, my answer was: 'Nothing scheduled at all. I'd be available.'

I think I might have two teeny regrets: there were 3 people right after me who were complete newbies, so I gave them some advice and what to expect. hell, I even gave them some pointers. In other words, I was praying for good karma because I felt like I was really nice. Overly nice even. One of the girls in that group was my competition too. That's the thing I have a small issue with: you're trying to work together in this acting community, but yet you're always competing against them. IMHO, my approach is that if someone else gets a part that I really wanted, well, then, I just wasn't what the director or casting director was looking for. Of course, the less competition, the better. *sigh*

The other thing I was kinda kicking myself for later on is that I had forgotten to update my resume to include the Japanese Educational video shoot. this audition being for an ESL vid... well, it woulda made sense to have it in, but it's no use thinking about something I didn't do. too late, oh well, end of story.

I can't wait until mid april... 3 day weekend... i can announce my Great Escape...

*think nice thoughts.. think nice thoughts... i'm almost finished, I'm almost finished...***

My mind is set and I'm not turning back; I may turn right, I may turn left, I might take a step back, but I'm not turning my back.

That'd be just plain 'ol stupid.

Posted 8:05 PM by the violent one
Letter to self what does being R.A.W mean to you
???? ? Visualize it and Draw picture.? Be prepared to share.?
?? ?
???? Who do you think the R.A.W. women are speaking to???
? ?? Where do you think the R.A.W. women are???

What RAW means to me:
What does RAW mean to me? Initial thoughts: not sure. Being loved/sought after based on your looks and not who you are. That's foreign to me. to look at it from the other side of the fence (my own) I may be physically attracted to Asian guys these days (it was different in college), but I can tell a good person from a bad one from a mile away and I start to become color blind. Maybe because my circle of friends just happens to have a lot of Asians lately, I've become more self conscieous about it. At the same time, I'm exploring it too; growing up in white suburbia and then going to white suburbia college doesn't help much with the 'identity crisis' (which apparently lasted, oh, about a week for me ;P)
Things that this has opened up my eyes would be #4, the queer Asian Woman. I never looked at it from that perpsective and the frusteration of people thinking that there must not be any queer Asians in the world because they're all cutesy.
I've looked through craigslist ads for those that specifically look for Asians. Sometimes it's an Asian looking for an Asian. Sometimes it's a white guy who just say that they're just more attracted to Asians. or sometimes it's a white guy who has dated Asians and find us/them more 'pleasant.'
I'm going to check craigslist again...
i type in asian to see what kind of hits i see:
"is it just me or does everyone find asian women so gorgeous and alluring... to me they are the best. the top of the food chain...it's not a fetish thing... i think since i grew up around and dated whites most of my life i'm just into something more unique... anyway...i'm cool, attractive, non-pyscho variety...swm 31...you be asian female 18-32, cool and open for whatever...whether we grab a coffee or kiss passionately (or more)...
hope to hear from you..."

where are the attractive asian woman? Looking for a beautiful girl who is faithful and like to have a good time. Dinner, movies, jus6t hanging out., there is something about Asian woman that drives me crazy. the exotic look just does something to me

I actually think it's annoying when there's something like the latter: "the exotic look..." Maybe the guys should just put a mask on every girl he dates.

Found this amusing:
Im seeking an asian lady for romance. Are there any asian women out there that don't have phd's? Any asian janes out there for a great guy?

Asian women who don't have PhD's.... hmph.

So, the 'asian' keyword search under the 'men for women' section went on and on. I did the same search under the 'women for men.' Not much. Maybe 10 entries. I did the same search under "women for women" and I got two entries, but they were just off of a thread on racism within the GLBT community.

Other issues that are brought up in RAW: parental 'pressure' to snag that boyfriend. the societal pressure that asian women are beautiful. coming to terms with the inter-generation gap.

Mine is the woman who is pressured by society's expectation that Asian women are pretty etc. Which kinda makes me wonder about how much crap Lucy Liu got for her part in Charlie's angels as that masseus girl. Any of the other two gals coulda done it...

the inter-generation gap is intersting. We're starting to become surrounded by a sea of people who may or may not be connected to the culture that they draw from. I may speak Japanese and have a general (not an intimate) understanding, but it's only part of me because I could never live nor have the wish to live in Japan because I like the US and it's my home.

Who do i think the RAW women are speaking to... definitely all those guys on craigslist... but I think anyone. it seems to be a pretty broad audience... men, women, GLBT, girls, but not really boys...

Where do I think the RAW women are... at a poker table. They're playing a laid back game of something. But i think they're playing cards...
Hmm... i think this is as much as my brain can spew out right now...